Unfortunately, this is the only thing on my mind these days. Simply tired of the same old stuff - want something new to chase after. There's stuff I want to do - but meanwhile have things I am "obligated" to do. It's more than that though. I think the pressure has been compounded by the situation I'm in. I'm caught in the middle between trying to accept a supposed reality that I'm in and accepting that it is simply my mindset I need to change.

Mindset is easy - simply change my expectations. if I don't expect more or believe I have earned something I really should not, then I should be happy and continue to work to improve and reach these goals. Without a way to objectively measure, I am stuck.

I'm exhausted. It means something when I don't want to work. it means something when I don't have the energy and need to force it. Maybe some would say its signs of burnout? All I know is that I am someone who does not like to be bored. Naturally, I spend my time learning and usually I genuinely want to build stuff and solve problems.

Literally I sat here for over 2 hours trying to settle on something to write about - this is the only thing I managed to run with (obviously).

What do I want to do? So lets start with what I think I want. I want to write. I want to make vids and edit. I want a flourishing blog and podcast. I want a spotlight. I want to learn about things I'm currently interested in. Things like diving into new algorithms - ones you wouldn't typically find on a white boarding exercise - but are just as or arguably more important (or impact) (I really want to capitalize on this feeling because who knows when I will be interested in diving deep into algorithms again?!?) I want to look at technologies and frameworks like Apache Spark, Kubernetes, Ansible, Unikernals, Hadoop, distributed programming, cloud native, - I'm just naming things, but you get the point. I want to explore pushing "serverless" to its limit - like doing things that shouldn't be done with "serverless" - just to watch it break. I want to "finish" one of the dozen "projects" I've started. I want to bring one of my ideas (fully) to life. I want to have good problems. I welcome them.

Rather, I'm plagued. I'm annoyed because I still spend my time having to make someone else happy. Spending my days somewhere with no option of running shit there. It felt like a possibility once upon a time, I felt close. But no. I want to have my own 'products' - but I'm not 100% sold on if I would be the correct person to run a company with people. I think I could run the company, but sometimes it takes a little more personal touch. But, idk. I have no idea what I'm doing, but I am okay with that. What I find myself doing lately is monotonous, repetitive and boring. Not that in actuality it is any of those - but when you take away the choice and the ability for me to explore outside the box - then I just become uninterested. Suffocated and exhausted. I don't want every thought I have to require someone else's approval. I don't want to be forced to the quickest solution because spending an extra day or two reasoning about a more proper solution will 'take too long'. Especially on new product development with no hard deadlines. Why don't we implement this for the long-term and make sure we have a solid, well thought out system that is simple and logical to understand?

Maybe it's just me, but when software becomes hard to reason about or things don't fit or make sense, I become disinterested. There is nothing attractive about that software if it's difficult to use. I want software that is flexible and easy for me to use and reason about. Part of that is in the code, part of that is how the code is organized, and part of that is the assumptions that re made. I feel the software going all over, we're skipping things I thought were important, we're de-prioritizing items to release stuff faster, nothing is standardized. When I voice my concerns, I'm shut down. Furthermore, I don't feel respected and I don't think anyone cares. Everything is expected from myself but I am not allowed to expect anything from the business. To me, that's ridiculous. That's exhausting.

Working multiple jobs, putting in countless extra hours - just to accumulate enough money to cover monthly costs (ie. student loans). It's exhausting. Or maybe it's the 'grind' everyone is talking about these days? All I know is that I hear or heard you could earn good money in software development and I'm still living pretty much paycheck to paycheck. Working multiple jobs and trying to find %% under every stone. What's more annoying is I've been doing this for over a decade. I've been teaching myself since I was 8. I had a limited childhood because I spent it all learning and making things. It was great at 15, 16, 17 - but over time those projects don't mean anything. i'm just another guy with a CS degree. Woohoo! I've put in more time than most. I still do. I'm still mentoring developers - doing other devs jobs for them - hours and hours of my time. And I can't get more than a McDonalds salary for it. I'm exhausted.

I didn't set out to ramble, nevertheless I find myself doing it. Not sure exactly what I set out to talk about - I just let this one happen. I  think I'll get some sleep - maybe tomorrow I'll have a more positive outlook - but right now, I'm exhausted. Night!